


A Fine Affair

by corvidkohai



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Open Relationships, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 19:57:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20120809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvidkohai/pseuds/corvidkohai
Summary: Cloud can’t last in a monogamous relationship, but Sephiroth is miserable in an open one. Eventual Sephiroth/Zackaka what if I took Mein Herr from Cabaret but made it angst





	A Fine Affair

He knew almost immediately that he was being selfish. 

Cloud was as adept in drawing the wool over his own eyes as the next man, but sometimes he saw the truth before he got the chance. In those cases, he told himself his gut instinct was wrong and pretended like he didn’t know any better until he couldn’t anymore. 

It was something he did often as a child. It was something he thought he grew out of, but apparently hadn’t. 

Cloud had always had issues with being tied down. He hated being restricted to tiny little Nibelheim even as a boy. He roamed the mountains as far as he could manage just to get rid of the claustrophobic feeling he got if he was in town too long. He got terrible, awful cabin fever in the winters. At least half the reason he had wanted to join SOLDIER in the first place was the guarantee it had that he could travel. 

He did poorly with being restricted. It made military life hell and got him in a lot of trouble with his superiors, but he performed well enough that they didn’t kick him out entirely. Not that they didn’t threaten it. Multiple times. 

It made it take longer than it should have to settle in once he passed his SOLDIER exams. He was just plain old bad at taking orders. He was lucky that the program wasn’t as rule-bound as the infantry, but even that got to be suffocating at times. 

SOLDIER made up for it in travel. Cloud got to see the world in his missions, especially since he always volunteered for the long distance ones, even if they were to nearly uninhabitable areas. He especially liked the warm ones, so unlike the snowscape of home. 

His wanderlust knew few bounds. He just couldn’t tolerate the same thing repeatedly for a long time. He couldn’t eat the same thing back to back or for more than two days running. He bounced from hobby to hobby. His sword preference changed monthly. He was constantly cycling through his materia. The only real consistency he had was with his friends, and that was largely because he was bad at making them. He still had to space out hang-outs with alone time or he risked getting bored. 

Zack was a big help with this. He had an endless slew of friends that he surrounded Cloud with so their social gatherings had variety. He knew when Cloud was starting to get antsy and didn’t hold it against him when he left. He allowed him use of his motorcycle, which was a First’s privilege, so he could stretch his legs by racing the Wastes. He didn’t get suffocated by the sameness of things the way Cloud did, but he was willing to work with it. 

The one who struggled with the concept more was Sephiroth, who was one of the friends Zack introduced him to. He was one of the few Cloud actually grew close to. He had been raised confined and had never had any option but to accept the bland repetition of his life. He had been conditioned to accept the standardization that gave Cloud goosebumps to just think about. He too appreciated deviation from the norm, but he didn’t  _ need _ it the way Cloud did. Still, he understood the concept of needing personal space very well, and when Cloud explained that he was alone when he left to wander, it made a little more sense. Even if it didn’t make  _ perfect _ sense, Sephiroth cared about Cloud, and it was clearly important to him. So he learned to work within Cloud’s parameters. 

The issue arose when Sephiroth and Cloud’s mutual interest in each other extended beyond friendship. Cloud remained tight lipped about his own affections for a long, long time, because he knew there would be issues. 

His wanderlust carried over to his actual lust. The concept of monogamy was stifling to him. He didn’t like the idea of being tied down, bound to one person. He slept around; he slept with most of SOLDIER, to be honest. He went on dates with people but was  _ dating _ no one. He was always emphatic that his dates were casual fun and nothing more. Going out together, sleeping together, romantic gestures were all well and good, but he was always clear that he wasn’t interested in committing to a single person. 

He had more than one person try to wheedle him into it. But he  _ liked _ what he was doing. He liked variety. He liked all the different things his partners brought to the table. He had different dynamics with each, different things he shared with them, and he didn’t want to lose out on anything by cutting himself off. If people got too clingy, he ended things to avoid being pressured for more than he could give. 

When he started to fall for Sephiroth, this became an issue. He knew the man. He liked structure, and routine, and knowing exactly what he was working with. Cloud had no issue laying out his rules firmly, but he was concerned Sephiroth would want narrower boundaries than he would. 

He stewed on it for a long, long time. Sephiroth

thought he was being subtle, but Cloud could read it in every gesture and word that his affections were returned. He wasn’t concerned with being rejected. He was concerned he was going to ask for more than Sephiroth could give. 

He resolved to let it go. Better not to risk hurting him. 

That was the plan, until Zack intervened. 

He brought them both to his apartment before standing and announcing, “I’ve had it. I’m tired of watching you two dance around each other. Talk your feelings out. I’m gonna go stand outside the door and no one’s leaving until you’ve settled this. Got it?”

“ _ Zack _ —“ Cloud tried to protest. 

“No way, Spike.”

He left without another word. Sephiroth turned to look at him with an arched eyebrow. 

“I take it you gather his meaning?”

Cloud sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Yeah, I do.”

“Would you care to explain?”

Cloud frowned and looked over at him. He ruffled his hair. He rubbed his hands on his pants. He ran out of nervous tics to stall with.

“He means our romantic feelings for each other.”

There was a long pause where Sephiroth examined Cloud and Cloud stared at his lap, picking idly at his pants. 

“You said ‘our’ and ‘each other.’”

Cloud didn’t look up. 

“Yeah, I did.”

“Then you also…?”

He nodded. He was still fidgeting when Sephiroth continued. 

“Why do you look so nervous if you already know your feelings are reciprocated?”

Cloud sighed again, his shoulders slumping. 

“You know how I’m bad at handling too much of the same?”

There was a long pause before Sephiroth said, “Ah.”

Cloud could feel himself blushing. He felt ashamed. He didn’t know why he was this way, and it would be easier if he wasn’t, but he couldn’t help it. 

“It’s the same in relationships. I could never be monogamous. I know that’s not normal, and I didn’t want to ask it from you.” He gave a strange little laugh and said, “You don’t seem like the kind of man who likes to share.”

There was a long, long pause. When he risked looking up, it was to see Sephiroth looking at him consideringly. 

Eventually, he said, “You’re right. I dislike sharing.” Cloud’s heart sank. “But. I also know how you value your freedom, and I have no wish to suffocate you.”

Cloud looked back down and nodded. 

“Right. That’s why I didn’t mention it. It won’t work.”

“I didn’t say that.”

Cloud looked up sharply. Sephiroth was looking back at him with something strangely like hope on his face. 

“If these are your terms, I accept. We can work out finer details, so we have a clear understanding and no one is second guessing themselves. I would rather be with you and allow you your freedom than not be with you at all.”

Cloud paused for a long time, his eyes combing over Sephiroth’s expression. He was saying this now, but what if he changed his mind? If he tried to restrain things later, it might be worse than if they had never tried. 

He was willing to take that chance. 

Cloud stood slowly and crossed to his general before slowly climbing into his lap, giving him time to protest. Sephiroth settled his hands on his hips, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. It felt right. Cloud wrapped his arms around his neck and that felt even better. Something between them clicked into place as Cloud ducked his head to kiss Sephiroth. It had the air of fate about it. Like, somehow, they had been meant to end up here. 

It felt like a dream for months. It was perfect in every way Cloud could have asked for. He and Sephiroth fit together like puzzle pieces, as if they had been carved to match each other. For a long time, Cloud didn’t even feel the need to run. He felt no need for outside partners, because he was fulfilled with just the one. 

Until he wasn’t. 

He had been hesitant when he felt the old itch. He tried to squash it, to suffocate it, to stomp it out of existence. He tried to smother it in every way he knew how but it wasn’t working. He knew he was allowed to see other people, that he had permission. He and Sephiroth had worked out exactly what was allowed. He could fuck whomever he wanted. He could date casually. But Sephiroth was his only boyfriend, his truly serious relationship. The others were on the side, not lesser, but different. There wasn’t the same weight behind them. And Cloud was fine with those terms—he didn’t think he had the emotional energy for more than one serious relationship anyway. 

The fact of the matter was that no matter what they had negotiated, Cloud felt bad for taking what he was allowed. He didn’t want to ask. It felt selfish, when Sephiroth clearly didn’t want the same thing and was just indulging him. 

He didn’t realize the issue had been obvious until one day over dinner Sephiroth said, “How long do you intend to stall?”

“... What?”

“I’ve been waiting for you to ask, but you seem unwilling. Have I done something to give you the impression you can’t talk to me?”

Cloud looked down at his Wutaian. He poked at it absently. 

He didn’t have to ask what Sephiroth was talking about. 

“No, you’ve been—you’ve been perfect.”

“Then what is the issue?”

“That  _ is  _ the issue. I feel like I’m… asking for too much. Like I want something you shouldn’t have to give.”

“We entered this relationship with clear terms. I would not have agreed if they were unacceptable.”

“I  _ know _ , I just—I don’t know. I just feel… guilty.”

“You haven’t done anything, not even what we agreed to.”

Cloud groaned and put his face in his palms. 

“I know! I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help it.”

“Then let me help.”

Cloud looked up at him. Sephiroth smiled, but with a hint of mischief in his eyes. 

“Choose someone to go on a date with or I will extend an offer on your behalf.”

Cloud blinked, then he laughed. 

“ _ What? _ ”

“I know that I didn’t mumble. What part was unclear?”

Cloud laughed again, propping his chin in his hand. 

“You’re going to threaten me into a date with a bad one?”

“At the very least, a meeting with a very confused party who won’t understand why I am offering for you.”

Cloud snorted, but picked his fork back up. 

“Alright, fine. Just one. We’ll see how it goes.”

It went well, was how it went. Cloud went on a fantastic date and got to sleep with someone who wanted to be dominated, which was something he only rarely did with Sephiroth. 

He’d gone to see Sephiroth the next day and found that he didn’t act any differently. He asked how the date went the same way he asked about missions and didn’t seem bothered by it. 

Cloud didn’t go out with other people very often still. The dates were few and far between and Sephiroth remained unflappable. 

Until he wasn’t. 

Cloud began going on more dates, and as the frequency increased, he could start to see the strain. Sephiroth never said a word about it. He continued to politely ask about the dates. But he also grew a line of tension in his shoulders. He sat too straight. He spoke carefully with a meticulously monitored voice and contrived inflections. His expression was just a hair too flat. 

Cloud told himself he was imagining things, but they got worse. More obvious. He couldn’t pretend things were fine anymore, that he wasn’t doing some sort of damage. He didn’t know what was going on in Sephiroth’s head, and he didn’t know how to ask. 

So he solved the problem by cutting himself off. No more dates, no more flings, no more one night stands. 

Sephiroth noticed. Sephiroth didn’t say anything. He felt guilty for being obvious enough in his distress that Cloud felt the need to compensate. He felt selfish, that he was restraining Cloud, making him give up something he clearly wanted, that made him happy. But he didn’t want to lie. He didn’t want to insist that it was fine because, after having experienced what it was like to share Cloud, it was clear that it wasn’t. He couldn’t be okay with it, and he owed Cloud better than to lie about it. But he had agreed to those terms, even if he found that they chafed now. This was what it took to have Cloud at all, and it was better to have him and be jealous than lose him entirely. 

Still, when Cloud stopped his dates, things grew smoother. Sephiroth felt guilty, but didn’t know how to protest getting exactly what he wanted. 

But as time passed, it grew clear he was going to have to figure it out. It was taking a toll on Cloud. He began to look morose when he thought no one was looking. His smile grew a little strained. His shoulders were tense. He sighed often. He took to training too long and too hard. That was where Sephiroth drew the line. He wasn’t going to let Cloud harm himself for his sake. 

“Cloud, I know what you’re doing.”

Cloud looked up at him from where they were curled together in bed. 

“What’re you talking about?”

“You’ve stopped seeing other people for my sake.”

Cloud paused, then settled back down, his head against Sephiroth’s chest. 

He didn’t say anything. There was nothing  _ to _ say. 

So Sephiroth tried again. 

“This isn’t what I want, nor is it what we agreed to. I don’t want you miserable for my sake.”

“Maybe, but I don’t want you miserable for mine, either.”

“I knew the terms when we began, Cloud. You’ve always had my consent.”

“Yeah, but that was before we actually tried, wasn’t it? You agreed without knowing what it would be like to live through it. You might have said yes, but you didn’t know what you were agreeing to.”

“I knew perfectly well what I was consenting to.”

“Intellectually, maybe, but not practically. You couldn’t have known how much you would hate it.”

“I won’t lie to you, Cloud. I do not like sharing you.” He could feel Cloud flinch. “But I have experienced it now and I still consent. If this is what it takes to keep you, and keep you happy, then I will do it.”

“But it won’t make  _ you  _ happy.”

“ _ You _ make me happy.”

Cloud paused and looked up at him. They studied each other, and Sephiroth did his utmost to convey his sincerity. 

It was a long, long time before Cloud nodded. 

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

Cloud began dating again, but he did so quietly, and Sephiroth stopped asking about it. It became an open secret between them. They both knew what was happening, but they refused to discuss it. And it helped, a little.

For a while. 

Sephiroth could turn a blind eye, pretend it wasn’t happening. But every now and then there’d be a hint of it. Flowers he didn’t buy for Cloud showing up in his apartment. A bruise on his skin that was clearly not an injury. A night where it took Cloud too long to answer his PHS.

He never said anything, but he hadn’t the first time either. It took longer than Cloud had expected, honestly, but he wasn’t surprised to see the old signs of distress re-emerge. He tried to pretend he didn’t see them, but eventually he couldn’t draw the wool over his eyes any longer. 

He felt trapped. Either he gave up his freedom or he made his partner miserable. There was no good option. There was no way to make this okay, no version of this where they were both happy for more than a month at a time. 

But Cloud tried anyway. He was bullheaded at the best of times, and he  _ wanted _ to make this work. So he gave up his outside dating again. And for a time, that was fine. 

Until it wasn’t. Until Sephiroth saw how smothered Cloud felt and insisted, though it felt like the words were glass in his throat, that Cloud start dating again. 

And reluctantly, Cloud did. 

They went in circles like this, only one of them happy at a time, and that happiness being spoiled by the other’s misery. Neither knew what to do. They wanted the relationship, wanted it terribly—they loved each other. But at a fundamental level, they just weren’t compatible. 

They each turned to Zack. 

Sephiroth went with his head in his hands, talking about how he was suffocating his lover, how he was trying to clip his wings without actually trying. He felt trapped; he had agreed, he continued to agree to the terms, but he couldn’t convince Cloud it was okay. His own dissatisfaction kept showing through and Cloud was too good a man to find that adequate. He wanted to fix things, but he didn’t know how. There just wasn’t a right way to say he would accept misery if it meant he could keep Cloud. 

Cloud went looking distinctly green around the gills. His self-loathing was written in every line and curve of his face. He told Zack about how he was between a rock and a hard place, between his own happiness and Sephiroth’s. How he wanted, desperately, to be what Sephiroth needed him to be, but just couldn’t. He kept trying, but he couldn’t keep it up. He felt like he was dragging Sephiroth down with him, an unfortunate leech on his happiness. He was taking more than he gave because he was twisted, and honestly, how dare he?

Zack listened patiently, but told them both the same thing: Talk about it. Be honest. Tell their partner what they were telling him. 

They didn’t do that. 

They continued turning the wheel, spinning in the endless cycle of one person having what they wanted before sacrificing it for the other until Cloud turned up to Zack’s in tears, calling himself a long litany of horrible things for what he was doing, how selfish he was being. He cried and he ranted and eventually, he tired himself out. He fell asleep on Zack’s couch, who sent a text to Sephiroth. 

It said, very simply, “Work something out. You can’t keep doing this. You’re hurting each other and I can’t keep watching you do it.”

Cloud went home the next morning none the wiser, but on his walk home, he came to his conclusion. It seemed obvious, in light of the night before. There was only one way to handle this. There  _ was _ a right path, and he had to do the right thing and stop being too much of a coward to take it. 

He didn’t expect Sephiroth to be standing at his door when he got there. 

He swallowed hard (he thought he had more  _ time _ ) but approached after a brief stutter-step. 

“What’re you doing here so early?” he said, forcing some lightness in his tone. 

Sephiroth didn’t answer. He just held up his PHS, showing Cloud the text. 

Cloud’s breath hitched. He sighed. He opened the door and stepped inside. 

“C’mon, then. Let’s do this.”

Sephiroth followed Cloud inside. He trailed him to the seating area, where they sat facing each other, but with an unusual amount of space between them. 

“I owe you an apology,” Cloud started. He stared with his chin high, refusing to back down now. He had chosen his path. He would follow it through. 

Sephiroth’s brow furrowed. He shook his head. 

“I should be apologizing to you. I’ve been—“

“You’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve asked for too much, and I know you’ll give it to me, but I can’t accept it. I can’t let you suffer to make me happy.”

“I won’t suffocate you, Cloud. I won’t accept you making yourself miserable for my sake, when you’ve been clear with me from the start.”

“I feel the same way, which means we’re at an impasse. I know what we agreed to, what you said you’d allow, but I can’t do it if it’ll make you suffer.”

“What do you propose, then? What solution is there, because I don’t see it.”

“There isn’t one.”

Sephiroth stopped breathing. 

His heart began to race but he couldn’t  _ breathe _ ; he felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He knew, he  _ knew _ what Cloud was implying, but that couldn’t be right, that wasn’t an option. 

“Cloud,” he said, and it came out strangled. “I’d rather be miserable with you than lose you.”

Cloud smiled softly, but it was sad. 

“You’ll be better off without me.”

“ _ No _ , I  _ won’t.  _ I can’t be happy without you, Cloud.”

Cloud scooted forward, fitting his hand to the curve of Sephiroth’s cheek. 

“You can. You  _ will.  _ It will hurt, at first; it will hurt me the same. But then it’ll get better, you’ll see. You’ll move on, and find someone who can love you the way you deserve. I’m just so, so sorry I couldn’t give that to you. I’m sorry I was so selfish. All I did was take from you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to do the right thing.”

“Cloud, _ no _ . This isn’t what either of us want, I can see it on your face. Please, don’t give up. We can figure something out.”

“There’s nothing  _ to _ figure out. There’s no version of this where we both get our needs met. This is toxic, Sephiroth. I love you—Gaia, I love you  _ desperately _ , and I always will, but we’re not good for each other. I think we might be actively  _ bad  _ for each other.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do. I won’t drag you down with me, Sephiroth. You deserve better. I want to be with you _so_ _much_, but the only thing I want more is for you to be happy.”

Sephiroth opened his mouth to protest further, but Cloud silenced it with the softest kiss. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered against Cloud’s mouth. 

He smiled sadly, but said, “You won’t lose me. I’ll be right here. It’ll just be a little different.”

“You know what I mean.”

He offered a little puff of laughter that Sephiroth could feel ghost across his face. 

“I do. And you know what  _ I _ mean. And I think, deep down, you know I’m right. It was the best while it lasted, Sephiroth, but we just can’t keep this up. It’s tearing us both apart and you know that.”

Sephiroth wanted to argue, but it stilled on his tongue. He knew he had a point. 

“I won’t move on. If you think I’ll get over this, you’re wrong.”

“Don’t be stubborn just to prove a point. Don’t make all the time I spend missing you a waste by refusing to be happy.”

“We could be happy together.”

“We can’t, Sephiroth. Not really. Not in a way that lasts.”

Sephiroth paused for a long moment before he cursed and surged forward, taking Cloud’s face in his hands and kissing him hard. Cloud groaned, and kissed him back. 

There was something exchanged, in that kiss. A wordless understanding. A goodbye neither could quite voice. 

When they parted, panting for breath, Sephiroth could feel Cloud’s tears staining his own cheeks. It was the only reason he stood and left, because he knew he lost, and he was only doing more damage by staying. 

Sephiroth didn’t quite shed tears that night, but he was certain it was only because he had forgotten how. 

He vowed that day that he would not be happy without Cloud. That he would make Cloud see, sooner or later, that if he thought he was doing Sephiroth a favor by breaking things off, he was wrong. 

Cloud didn’t vow the same, but his heart swore it for him. 

He attempted to force the issue. He started dating again, and frequently, not even trying to make it secret. He got little joy from it. Every date was one he wished he was on with Sephiroth. He used the sex to cope—which he knew was unhealthy, but it didn’t stop him. For a precious few moments, he found solace. In someone else’s arms, he could forget what he had given up, and focus only on sensation. He let himself get lost in it. He sought it constantly. The dates were something to be suffered through, which he only bothered with for the pretense and the fact that he could get fucked afterward. 

And Gaia, did it hurt Sephiroth to watch it all. He didn’t know what Cloud was really seeking. He saw him dive back into the dating pool and seemingly leave Sephiroth behind. And it  _ ached _ , to see Cloud move on. To see him leave him behind. 

Zack was left in the hardest place of all. His friends were suffering. He  _ knew _ what Cloud was doing, how he was trying to cope and the way it was failing him, watched him start to grow desperate. But there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t know how to help. 

But he thought he might be able to help Sephiroth. 

He got Cloud’s permission first. The laugh he’d given wasn’t even bitter or hard, just delighted and a little tired. 

“I just wish you had told me sooner,” he had said, a laugh still in his voice. 

He’d still been hesitant, but Cloud had insisted. He’d said that if Zack didn’t do it, he’d do it for him. When Zack said that was a dirty trick, he just shrugged. 

But he knew Cloud really would force the issue, so he went to see Sephiroth. 

Sephiroth, who was at least trying to pretend he was alright, these days. He let him into his apartment when an expression that was too even to be genuine. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Zack?” Sephiroth said, gesturing at a couch while he took a seat on another. Zack followed the implied instruction, and his strange quietness was at odds with his usual behavior. When he didn’t say anything for a long moment, Sephiroth said, “Zack?”

“I have something to tell you,” Zack said slowly. “I’m not sure you’re ready to hear it, but I think I owe you the truth.”

Sephiroth’s brow furrowed, but he nodded. 

“You can tell me anything.”

Zack smiled, and it was missing its usual exuberance. It was tight, and nervous, and almost sad. 

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Sephiroth’s mind ground to a halt. 

There was a brief pause before Zack plowed on, “I know it’s only been a few months since you and Cloud broke it off, and you might not be over him even a little, and we don’t have to try anything if you don’t want, but it seemed wrong to keep it a secret any longer, and Cloud said he’d tell you if I didn’t, and you know he’s good for his word, and I just thought you should know you have options.”

And that was the strangest thing, wasn’t it? That Zack had never seemed like an option. He didn’t know if he was so blinded by Cloud that he didn’t see it or if he just didn’t reciprocate. But he also knew it deserved more thought than he could give when Zack was staring at him in obvious suspense. 

“May I consider what you said? I—don’t have an answer for you, yet. I want to give this the consideration it deserves.”

Zack let out a huge sigh. He smiled, and if it shook at the edges, it was hardly noticeable, because it was so much brighter than the last. 

“Yeah, of course. Shit, I’m just glad you’re not shooting me down immediately.”

Zack went home not much after, but he left in his wake a conundrum. Sephiroth was left to sort out his feelings, and it wasn’t necessarily something he wanted to do. He had vowed never to move on from Cloud, and he took his word very seriously. But he valued Zack. He cared for him dearly, and that was, perhaps, the issue. Because, had it been any other man, he would have dismissed this thought immediately. He would have firmly put his foot down and kept his promise. It wouldn’t have been an issue. But he owed it to Zack, to at least consider it properly, and his heart didn’t seem against it. 

He wasn’t over Cloud. Frankly, he wasn’t sure he ever would be. That was why he’d made his promise in the first place. But he felt  _ something _ for Zack—that much became clear as he thought on the issue. He wasn’t sure it ran as deep as what he felt for Cloud, but it was enough that he couldn’t dismiss the idea. It had merit. Cloud, he was relatively certain, wanted him to be happy. 

In fact, it became clear when, for the first time in months, Cloud texted him. 

“if you turn him down because you’re being stubborn, I’m giving your PHS number to the silver elite.”

It was quickly followed by: “go be happy, you big idiot”

With Cloud’s blessing (and threat that he was dead certain he’d follow through on), Sephiroth went to see Zack. 

Zack, who was doing an admirable job pretending he wasn’t nervous. He grinned widely when Sephiroth arrived and invited him inside. 

When Zack start shooting off questions about work, Sephiroth interrupted with, “Yes.”

“... ‘yes’ what? You’re not  _ actually _ approving that mission, are you?”

“No, Zack, of course not, it’s a suicide mission and I intend to make it clear to Heidegger that he never should have even proposed it. I mean about your offer. Yes.”

“... About what I told you?”

“Yes. I… do not know if what I feel reaches the depths of what I felt for Cloud. But I feel something, and I’d like to try. I understand, however, if that is not good enough.”

Zack’s was expression softened. He smiled, and something about it was gentler than Sephiroth had ever seen him. 

“I don’t expect you to be over him. I just want to see where this will go. I love you, and I think we could be happy together. You really wanna try?”

Sephiroth didn’t realize that his own expression softened in return. 

When he said, “Yes,” it was just a ghost of a breath. 

But that was okay, because Zack had always been a wildfire. He flared up like one, smiling brightly, as if that small token was worth the world. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

The second, “Yes,” was so quiet Zack almost missed it. 

He stood and went to sit in front of Sephiroth. He moved slowly, giving him time to change his mind, but if he couldn’t even handle a kiss, their relationship was doomed to fail. His heart was racing, pounding in his ears by the time Zack cupped his face and kissed him tenderly. He returned the kiss, if a little hesitantly, but the confidence built as they went. 

It wasn’t what he had with Cloud. This didn’t feel like fate, and it didn’t feel like they were made for each other. But it felt good. It felt warm, and sweet, and right. His edges had always fit with Cloud’s but there were no edges at all here. 

And, surprisingly, that was how the whole relationship went. Sephiroth found it dangerously easy to slip into place. It was like they melted together, their lives blending at the borders. He didn’t have to try, with Zack. They had known each other for so long that being together was as easy as breathing. They knew when the other was upset, how to reach out, and how to make the other laugh. It was distinctly different, now, how they looked at each other, the way they touched, but it was also so familiar. Like they had been doing this for years. It was so simple to grow closer and closer. 

The closer they got, the further Cloud went. 

Neither intended for it. They still reached out, when they remembered. With their new relationship, it wasn’t as hard for Sephiroth and Cloud to be around each other. There was a firm wall between them. The temptation had been removed. But it killed Cloud in degrees to see them together. It was a fire in the hole in his chest that burned him alive slowly. He still cared for them, cared so damn  _ much _ , but that was exactly why it hurt. They loved each other. They were happy together. They had one another, and Cloud was left on the outside, watching. 

It was exactly what he had wanted. He had  _ wanted  _ Sephiroth to move on, to get on without him. To find someone that made him happy in the way Cloud couldn’t. But  _ Cloud _ couldn’t get over him. He knew he had done the right thing, that there had really been no other choice, but Sephiroth had left a physical ache in his wake. It was like he had lost a limb. He felt hollow. The sun was dimmer. Everything was quieter. Food tasted almost like ash on his tongue. There was no way for him to feel whole anymore, and the worst part was, he didn’t even regret it. If only one of them could be happy, he was glad it was Sephiroth. 

But he couldn’t be around them, not for much time at once. It made everything hurt too bad. Sephiroth might not have noticed, but Zack did, by his knowing looks. He knew, and his expression said he didn’t approve of how Cloud was pulling away, but he also knew he had no room to protest. Cloud was buying Zack’s own happiness, as much as he was Sephiroth’s. He couldn’t spit on his sacrifice by demanding he watch them be happy together. 

It was only the distance that left Zack blind to the way Cloud was spiraling. Alcohol didn’t work on SOLDIERs, and he hadn’t quite turned to drugs (yet). No, his poison of choice was as it had always been. 

It wasn’t exactly difficult for Cloud to get laid. It wasn’t even necessarily out of character. What  _ was _ changing was that the dates petered out. There were no more outings, no dinners or movies, no more romance. There was Cloud going to clubs and bars, losing himself in dancing with strangers. Sometimes that was as far as it went, but most of the time it went much further. Anonymous sex in any number of places had enough risk that it helped fill the hole in his chest. He couldn’t get an STI with all the mako in him, and no civilian was a real threat, so he was safe enough. 

No, what he really reveled in was how little he meant to these people. How different it was from what he had with Sephiroth. They didn’t care about him, didn’t even know his name. They saw a pretty face and a hot ass and that was enough. That was all Cloud  _ wanted _ to be. If there was no attachment, he couldn’t get invested in return. If he wasn’t invested, he couldn’t be hurt. 

He thought it was genius. It was a neat solution to the problem. 

Until one of the SOLDIERs snitched to Zack. 

It was purely out of concern. Cloud was going out every night regardless of training schedules. He was wearing himself out training impossibly hard just to go out clubbing on legs that would have wobbled if he was less enhanced. Everyone knew what he was doing. It was an open secret in SOLDIER, and more than one person was starting to get worried. They knew he was physically safe, but they also knew he was hurting somehow, and Zack had always been the closest to him. 

So Zack called him and asked to meet up, and only then realized with a pang of guilt how long it had been since he’d done that. 

When he met Cloud in the other SOLDIER’s apartment, it was hard to see the issue at first. He smiled when he let him in, the way he always did. He asked if he wanted food or drink, if the plan was movies or video games. He wasn’t tense in the shoulders. He smiled readily. 

It was still clear there was a problem when he looked close. 

He was pale. There were deep shadows under his eyes. He was thinner in the face. His eyes were hollow, dead. 

He turned to Zack to ask him some question, only to be caught in a tight embrace. 

He laughed lightly and said, “Zack, what’re you doing?”

The grip was too tight to be anything but serious. Zack buried his face in Cloud’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, Cloud,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Cloud went tense. He knew what this was about, now, but this wasn’t their unspoken agreement. Zack was supposed to turn a blind eye. He was supposed to pretend everything was fine and go enjoy his life. He wasn’t supposed to care anymore. 

Cloud laughed again, the sound a little rougher, but he had to try. 

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what, Cloud.”

“I don’t.”

“Cloud.  _ Please.” _

“Zack,  _ no, _ ” he said, and it was all warning. 

Zack just held him tighter. 

“I should never have let this go on so long. I thought I would just make it worse. But there has to be something I can do. You look terrible, Cloud, and what I’ve heard from the other SOLDIERs—“

“Zack,  _ please _ ,” Cloud said, and it came out strangled. “Please just let it go.”

“I can’t. You’re my  _ friend _ and you’re  _ suffering _ . I’m afraid that if I leave you alone I won’t just lose you, but you’ll get lost entirely.”

“Maybe that’s what I want. Maybe that’s what I  _ need _ .”

“I can’t accept that. I can’t let you go down that rabbit hole. You’re my  _ friend _ , Cloud.”

“I  _ was _ your friend. Be honest. That ended when you and Sephiroth began, and everything that came after was a formality.”

“That isn’t true. I still care, and he does too. We just didn’t want to rub it in your face and make things worse.”

Cloud laughed hopelessly and shrugged. 

“What do intentions matter? The fact of the matter is that I’m alone now, in every way that counts, and I don’t even want that to change. I won’t drag you down with me.”

“ _ Cloud.  _ I can’t leave you alone to suffer.  _ He _ won’t want to either, once he knows.”

Cloud went stiff in his arms. 

“Don’t tell him, don’t you  _ dare _ , Zackary.”

“He’s gonna find out sooner or later. I won’t keep this a secret from him. You know it’s gonna kill him, when he finds out. He still loves you.”

“Zack  _ don’t.” _

“What? It’s true. I know he loves me, and I can admit he loves you too. I can’t replace you, and I don’t want to. We were both okay with giving you space when we thought it helped, but you’re drowning here, Cloud. You can’t fuck your problems away.”

Cloud laughed hollowly and said, “I can sure try.”

“How’s that gone for you so far, huh?” When there was a long silence, Zack continued, “You’re gonna break Sephiroth’s heart like this. When he finds out how much this broke you, what you’ve been turning to to cope—it’s gonna tear him apart. You weren’t this bad, when you were together. He knows that. He’s gonna know this is because of the break up and he’s going to blame himself.”

Cloud paused for a long, long time. Slowly, he fisted a hand in the back of Zack’s shirt and pressed his face to his shoulder. 

“I miss him like I’d miss a lung, Zack. I don’t know if I’ll ever be right without him, but I can’t go back. I can’t hurt him the way I was, not again, and I  _ definitely  _ can’t watch him throw away what he has with you. There’s no way to fix this. There’s no way this ends right. I just have to live with that.”

“What if we tried the three of us?”

Cloud paused. He looked up at Zack with a furrowed brow. 

“The three of us?”

“Yeah. You, me, and him. Maybe you’ll want to date around less with another partner. Maybe he’ll handle it better if he has another partner to turn to if that doesn’t work. It’s worth a shot.”

“Do you even think of me that way?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I haven’t really considered it before, but I know I care about you  _ a lot _ . Even if the you and I part doesn’t work, I could share Sephiroth, if I knew I was sharing with you.”

“Zack, I…”

“Cloud, I’d do pretty much anything to keep you from going the way you are right now. What can it hurt to try?”

“That’s what I thought about dating Sephiroth, and look where we ended up.”

“Let that be a problem for future us, if it comes to that.”

Cloud leaned away, rubbing his brow. 

“Let me think about it.”

Zack pulled back further, placing his hands on Cloud’s shoulders and squeezing. 

“As much time as you need.”

Cloud took him up on that. He stopped going out quite as often, though he still went out. He was perpetually distracted. 

Because it was a nice thought, wasn’t it? Even if Cloud and Zack weren't compatible, they were friends, and they could share. Zack would be there to smooth their rough edges, the grease in the wheels. It could work. He didn’t know if he loved Zack, but he’d be willing to try. Potentially, he could come out so much better for it. 

If everything went right. 

And Cloud, cursed by his last name, never had good luck. 

He couldn’t risk it. He  _ wouldn’t  _ risk it. He’d take the chance if his happiness was all that was on the line, but he couldn’t play with Sephiroth and Zack’s that way. What they had together was  _ good _ . He wouldn’t spoil it. 

But he also didn’t want to tell Zack as much. So, instead, he began taking every out of city mission that hit the board. It didn’t matter where the location was. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t get laid in Modeoheim or the jungles of Wutai. He wasn’t losing himself in fucking, but in fighting, and that worked just as well. He didn’t have to think this way, either, and there was the delightful bonus of a real risk. He was flirting with actual danger this way. He ran headlong into monster nests and enemy camps just to put his neck on the line. He never got tired of the thrill, of the perfect possibility that he wouldn’t make it back, and then he wouldn’t have to deal with his problems at all. He was looking for an out without daring to actually try for it. No one could blame him for doing his job; he was even  _ praised  _ for going above and beyond the call of duty. 

He knew Zack would figure out what he was doing, so he took special care to avoid him the scant amount of time he was in the Tower. He didn’t answer any knocks on his apartment door. He picked up his missions through his PHS instead of going to the physical mission board. He lived off MREs he pocketed on missions. He didn’t leave the safety of his apartment except to go to transport to get the hell out of the city again. 

What he hadn’t been expecting was for Sephiroth to be waiting at transport for him. 

He could feel the way the blood drained from his face as he slowly came to a halt. He quickly began looking around, trying to find a way out, but by the time he found another truck to hide in, Sephiroth was already striding toward him. He made a beeline for it anyway. 

Sephiroth called out, “Cloud Strife, do not even think about it.”

He stopped in place before slowly turning to face Sephiroth, his heart in his throat the way it tended to be whenever he saw him now. 

Sephiroth was furious. He all but stormed over to Cloud, grabbing his arm without another word and hauling him bodily from transport. He didn’t let go of him until they were both locked in Sephiroth’s office. 

“Sit,” he commanded, and Cloud reluctantly listened, though he kept eyeing the door. Sephiroth sat on the desk in front of Cloud, close enough to grab him if he made an escape attempt. There was no way out.  _ Fuck _ . 

Cloud sighed and, carefully, put on his best bravado. He slumped in the chair and crossed his ankle over his knee, clapping his hands to the armrests. 

“Alright, let’s get it over with then,” he said with a strange, hopeless cheer. He spread his hands before letting them fall to his lap. “Give me the best you got, sir.”

“ _ Cloud,”  _ he said, and as reprimands went, it was oddly gentle. It was distinctly not the way Sephiroth did things. “What happened?”

He laughed brightly but tightly, giving a lopsided grin. 

“C’mon. You know what happened.”

“You weren’t like this before. Did I do this?”

Cloud sighed and pulled himself to sit upright. 

“No, Sephiroth, you didn’t. I did this.”

“But you did nothing wrong.”

“I did  _ everything _ wrong, how don’t you get that? I got us into the relationship, I fucked over the relationship by being fucked up in general, and then I ended it. None of that was what either of us wanted, but it’s on  _ me _ .”

“It is not. I failed to accept the terms I agreed to. You entered into the relationship only after gaining my consent. This was my failure.”

“It wasn’t. You shouldn’t have had to put up with my shit in the first place.”

“But I agreed to, and it isn’t shit. It’s a valid way of doing things, Cloud, it just isn’t one that is sustainable for me. Not how we were doing it.”

“There’s no right way to do this.”

“There might be. With Zack.”

Cloud felt his bravado slip through his fingers. He looked to the side. 

“It won’t work, Sephiroth.”

“Not if you don’t let it.”

“No, I mean, it  _ won’t.  _ All we’ll get for trying is more heartbreak. I won’t do it. I won’t put you through that again, not when you’re happy now.”

“How could I be happy, knowing you’re coping with risky sex and riskier missions?”

“Someone had to take those missions.”

“But no one would have taken  _ all  _ of them, and absolutely no one would be pushing themselves the way you have been. I’ve read the reports, Cloud. Your actions are reckless and suicidal.”

Cloud sighed and ruffled his hair, but still refused to make eye contact. 

“Listen, what’s it matter? Let me handle this my way, alright? You go be happy.  _ That’s  _ what I want.”

“And if I say I can’t be happy without you?”

Cloud laughed, but it was breathless. 

“That isn’t true. I’ve seen you. You’re happy with Zack.”

“But something is missing.”

Cloud shook his head. 

“It’s enough. I’ll take what I can get. I’d rather you happy but missing something than take that happiness from you entirely.”

“You don’t know that’s what would happen.”

“Don’t I? Look, Sephiroth, I don’t think I can change. We’ll settle in together, and we’ll be happy for a while. Then I’ll fuck around, and it’ll break your heart all over again. Zack will try to help, but what can he do, really? I’ll feel bad and stop, until I feel suffocated, and then we’ll do it all over again. No. Not again. Not this time.”

“Cloud, I am a proud man. I do not ask for things. With that in mind, know that I am  _ begging _ you to let us try.” 

Cloud looked up. He saw that Sephiroth was serious, that he was truly pleading with him. 

He felt a strange bubble of laughter escape his lips. He smiled, and it trembled at the edges. 

With all the masochistic glee of someone flushing their last hope down the drain, he said, “No.”

He stood, then. When he passed Sephiroth, there was no attempt to stop him. He slipped through Sephiroth’s fingers the way he always did. 

He left, and that was it. He was done. He was checked out. One way or another, he was going to find a way to lose himself. It didn’t matter if it was sex, drugs, or violence. Cloud was determined now: he was going to disappear right down the rabbit hole Zack had warned him about. 

They’d forget him eventually.


End file.
